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Democratic, Republican Parties in Merger Talks

Editor’s Note: Way Off the Grid is a satire feature of Off the Grid News. While the articles in this section may deal with current events, they are meant to portray these topics in a satirical and humorous light.

NEW YORK – After struggling with bankruptcy for the past few decades, the two major political parties have agreed to consider joining forces as one national party. In a joint letter to employees of both parties, Republican and Democratic chairs Sharon Day and Debbie Schultz said Monday that since “the issues we pretend to fight about have dwindled drastically, while the costs of two parties arguing for the same things are skyrocketing, it now makes sense to evaluate a range of strategic options, including a potential merger.”

Even party loyalists have warmed to the idea. “It’s been a long time coming,” said Florida Governor Jeb Bush, “but after watching the gross similarities of the candidates at both national conventions, it makes sense to eliminate the redundancies and repetitions.” Democrat Timothy Rahall came to the same conclusion. “Both candidates supported the bailout of Wall Street, the renewal of the Patriot Act, and opposed auditing the Federal Reserve,” noted Rahall. Republican Chris McDonnell added that “both candidates embraced subsidizing the auto industry, both claim to have developed the Obamacare plan, and both support the indefinite detention and bombing of suspect American citizens.”

In a national PEN/MIL poll conducted before the national party conventions, 93 percent of Americans consistently failed to distinguish policy positions between Republicans, Democrats, Elks Lodge, Rotary Club, and the Liberal Democratic Union Party of Albania.

“About 90 million eligible American votes will not be voting in the upcoming election,” said Democratic spokesperson Hugh Presley. “Both parties understand that many people don’t vote because they are a bit confused by the complexity of two parties.” He and others hope the planned merger will simplify ballots and lessen “the fear of moving a hand between option one and two.”

A growing consensus for the merger sees windfall savings by combining the two parties. “Both parties spend untold millions in opposition advertising, travel expenses, and lobbyists,” noted Republican secretary Rita Johnson. “Instead of wasting millions in redundancy,” she said, “we can combine funds and spend the money on more constructive things like, well, other things.”

Even though they oppose an unpopular president, the Republican Party has pushed the hardest for a merger with the Democratic Party. Republicans have run out of viable candidates in their farm system. Republicans had to overcome a publicity fiasco when they purchased Democrat Mitt Romney’s contract from Massachusetts in order appear like an opposition party. “He’s still learning the language,” said Republican Party organizer Sarah Leffer. “It’s hard to retrain Democrats, but he was the best we could get.” Leffer believes a merger would remove the need for such embarrassing contracts.

In addition, Republicans have long struggled to hire the coolest Hollywood celebrities to act like they like them. Celebrity prices continue to soar, and Democrats have long held the union contract closely. “We’re very much looking forward to replacing Clint Eastwood with George Clooney,” said Republican fitness expert Paul Ryan.

Democrats have not been passive in the merger process. In April, the DNC reached formal agreements with several traditionally Republican unions, including five in weapons manufacturing and three in the burgeoning fitness-and-fried-foods industry. Both parties have formal agreements to do whatever Microsoft, Apple, and Wal-Mart tell them to do.

Ray Jormach, a political analyst for Fluxom Group in New York, said the only potential snag in a Republican-Democratic merger is that “industries that survive on the traditional, faked disagreement between the two parties might riot in the streets.” He had no doubts that the new party could call in enough support to win a street scuffle from a united Sean Hannity and Rachel Maddow.

According to a Stanford poll, most Americans support the idea of a united Republican-Democratic party because one national convention wouldn’t pre-empt their favorite TV shows the way two did. Others point out that the television ratings of the two national conventions barely beat Storage Wars and Teen Mom.

“I worry about the hit the traditional presidential candidate debates might take,” observed ABC news anchor Bryan Paige. But merger spokesperson Annette Jennings said the two parties formed a committee early on to analyze that problem. “The debate will take on a bit of a new format, but it promises to be as tantalizing as ever,” she said. “The basic idea is that instead of debating each other, the two candidates will team up to debate against the American people as a whole.”

According to the Securities and Exchange Commission, there are still a number of steps that the two parties would need to take before a merger could actually move forward, including winning permission from United States creditors, like China, and, perhaps more importantly, how to share rooms in the White House.

Upon news of the potential merger, shares of Republican Party jumped 12.33 percent to 54 cents Wednesday while shares of the Democratic Party increased 1.51 percent to $14.12.

©2012 Off the Grid News

© 2008-2014 Off The Grid News

11 comments

  1. Is this story a joke?

  2. hahahaha, as i read, i did not see the satire line at the top. how sad that so much of this is true, just not the merger part

  3. After Romney is elected, I believe it is very important that we begin the formation of a third party. The Establishment Republicans will never release their grip on power willingly and they will have to for us to regain our freedoms. I am tired of people like John Boehner and John McCain thinking they speak for me.

    • There is no Satire here – it suggests the truth. Both parties have have done their dastardly jobs destroying this once great nation, dismantling our Constitution, Rights and Freedom. Right now I am forced to support the least of the worst in hopes that we can avoid that cliff. If the Tea Party continues to make proper Constitutional decisions I may stay the course – otherwise it will be required that a True Constitutional party be established and strengthened to preserve our union.

    • There are other parties. Virgil Goode is running for President on the Constitution Party ticket. Heard an interview with him on TruNews (www.trunews.com) recently. Sounds like a worthwhile candidate.

  4. It had me going for a minute. It’s funny how it mixing a little bit of truth with a lie makes it sound plausible.

  5. There hasn’t been a lot of difference in the position of the two major parties for decades. They have been under the control of the same New World Order elitists and our “choices” of who acts as their front man in the White House is decided long before the elections, we get to choose between their two candidates. Old Joe Stalin said it and it is as true in America today as it (still) is in Russia. “It is enough that the people know there was an election, the people who cast the votes decide nothing, the people who count the votes decide everything.” Unless (if there is still time enough left) enough people in the U.S. wake up and elect third party candidates to offices, this nation as it was Founded will not survive many more years of Democratic or Republican rule. If you think the Dems are crooked and deceptive, you have no idea of what happened in Tampa to the Ron Paul delegates and the rule breaking and rewriting of the RNC.

    • Too true. Our real hope (RP) was continuously misrepresented and downplayed so that their ‘pre-selected’ would be our choice against their previous poor performing ‘pre-selected’. Ignore the strong support he received from GOPs, youth and likely from Democrats.
      You have the rule breaking and rewriting at the RNC and then you have the tied vote about God at the DNC

  6. An entertaining tale, however you gave it away in the first sentence (a National Party? – NEVER) . It is true that both Houses of Congress are flawed by partician politics and have a “My way or the highway attitude” which is why it takes so long for them to agree to anything. As I have thought many times, the answer (and the only answer) is term limits. Any individual should be limited to one four year term in a lifetime. This would insure that we would no longer have professional politicians in both houses but citizens representing their constituents. If you can not be elected to a second term, there would be no need to court special groups for funds to be reelected for a second term. Wouldn’t it be refreshing to have one third of both the House and the Senate being replaced every four years with new Representatives and Senators? Especially as they would be there to represent the citizens that elected them, instead of special interest groups! However, as both Houses of Congress are, primarily, professional politicians they would ceratinly never pass legislation limiting them to one four year term. The voting populace of the Unuted States of America are the only means by which such a dramatic change could possibly take place, consequently, it is therefore, doubtful that any such miracle could occur. But is very comforting just to think about it!.

    • Sorry Jack – get your facts straight. President term is 4 years, Senate term is 6 years and Representative term is 2 years. I do agree with term limits and could accept: President = 2, Senate = 1 or 2, Representative = 3 or 4. We do not need Career politicians, rather those who are willing to serve then get back to main street life.

  7. Too much money would be lost from campaign funds on both sides to even consider this.Remember, the candidates and parties get to keep all those millions they did not spend trying to be elected.It is no wonder that elected officials get very irate when a campaign manager steals THEIR money. greed has ruined the Republic.Let them donate their time serving citizens of this country, like it was set up to do 240+ years ago….

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