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Cutting-Edge Church Baptizes Members into the American Dream

Editor’s Note: Way Off the Grid is a satire feature of Off the Grid News. While the articles in this section may deal with current events, they are meant to portray these topics in a satirical and humorous light.

LOS ANGELES – In a liturgical change that church leaders describe as long-time coming, the Keeping-It-Real Christian Church of Pasadena will abandon the traditional Trinitarian formula for baptism in favor of the phrase – “in the name of the mortgage, the constant busyness, and the latest car.”

Pastor Greg Holloway characterizes the shift “as a new, exciting honesty.” For too long, he says, “members had to suppress their true devotion under the older Christian language of self-denial and sacrifice.” But that didn’t fit modern realities. Though members used the phrase of “loving God with all their heart,” everyone understood that their fifty and sixty-hour a week jobs received the real devotion and all-consuming interest, until the weekend. “It made sense to have our baptisms reflect our true loyalties,” said Holloway.

Members now report a much more satisfying and holistic approach to faith. “In the past,” says member Jack Greenwood, “we lived fragmented lives, where part of us was loyal to the bank account, part to our favorite TV shows, part to shopping at the mall, part to national patriotism, and part to sponsoring a third-world child, but now these all line up perfectly in our devotion to the American Dream.” Other members express similar relief. “Now I can be single-minded in my devotion,” says member Anita Fraser. “The book of James warns us against the instability of being double-minded, and now we’re free of all the lies.”

The pastors of several local churches have expressed the outrage with such an innovation. “I don’t think we should play around with the language of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,” said Rev. Greg Denneshaw of St. Jerome’s Episcopal. “One can devote oneself to the American Dream but still use the traditional language. Christians have done that in every era,” he explained.

Pastor Jerry Newberry of the Alive Now Church objected that the switch to the American Dream was completely unnecessary. “These Keeping-It-Real people don’t understand that the Christian faith is merely a set of neat ideas. Nothing in one’s real life needs to change at all. You just need the right ideas in your head, namely, that Jesus is God. You can believe that right alongside the American Dream.” He explained that the Alive Now Church “distinguishes cleanly between spiritual ideas on the one hand and real life and work on the other. Never the twain shall meet.” The Keeping-It-Real Church’s leadership said that it attempted to follow that path of reducing the faith to mere ideas, but “some of those ideas and stories, like Jesus’ harsh treatment of Martha for her busyness still conflicted with the truths of the American Dream.”

The Keeping-It-Real Church denies it has abandoned the Christian faith. The leadership contends that traditional readers have misunderstood Jesus’ teachings as a critique of the American Dream. “Jesus worked hard, and he nowhere condemned people who worked fifty or seventy hours a week. You won’t find it. We’ve looked carefully at the Scriptures,” says Holloway. He adds that in the Book of Revelation Jesus wears the best clothes and rides on a very elegant, late-model chariot. That’s part of what it means to be a Son of God – quality and taste.”

When asked whether other features of the worship service would change in the same direction as the baptismal formula, associate pastor Jeff Barker said he had laid out a proposal to add some gourmet cheeses to the Lord’s Supper, since “a good gouda would round out the stone-ground wheat and salt crackers and Perrier.” He admitted that some of the younger elders were pushing for the inclusion of traditional Super Bowl snacks. The elders have resisted to this point but grant that “few other foods capture the essence of the American Dream as well as spicy buffalo wings and guacamole.”

In terms of worship music, the Keeping-It-Real Church incorporated a jazz version of the Star-Spangled Banner, but “we don’t want to be pigeon-holed,” said Holloway. “We’re moving beyond our several versions of the national anthem to incorporate the latest, cutting-edge TV commercial melodies into worship, the most creative music of the American Dream.”

The Keeping-It-Real Church emphasizes that the changes are all about identity. Member Cathy Sigmund says, “being baptized and rebaptized in the name of the American Dream solidifies my identity deep in my soul.” She says she wants that identity to permeate every aspect of her life – “my shopping, my driving, my texting, my shopping, my eating, my shopping, just like Jesus.”

©2012 Off the Grid News

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  1. I cannot believe….the so-called churches…and their so-called ‘pastors’…..trying to ‘keep this life’….and encouraging their congregations to do so…they are RESPONSIBLE FOR SOULS! The Bible clearly states, “If you keep your ‘life’, you will loose your eternal one, but if you loose your life for my sake,(Jesus’), you will find it (eternal life). The Bible also says that there is but ONE TRUTH, ONE FAITH, ONE BAPTISM, (in the name of Jesus Christ), ONE WAY…believing anything else is a LIE! And JESUS, is the SON of God, and there is only ONE GOD. The trinitarian doctrine is a false doctrine. One thing is for sure, anyone can know the TRUTH, but he/she must search for HIM with all one’s heart…then he will find it and God. Believing someone else, yes, even a so-called “man of God”…will lead one down the wrong path. Read it…it’s in the Bible. God also said, “I will cause them to believe a LIE and be damned, because they did not want the Truth.

    • RetiredUSAFJesusFreakBiker

      Personally, I thought it was mildly amusing. I mean, think about it: Go to many suburban churches in America & you’ll see late model cars of various expense, from run-of-the-mill to minivans to Corvettes to Cadillacs to BMWs to (you get the idea), women wearing the latest fashions (and some showing a LOT of leg!), men wearing suits & ties like they were at a business meeting instead of a worship service & kids not paying attention while their parents let them play with their cell phones or other electronic devices (just as long as they’re silenced!). After church, many of them gather at a nice restaurant to eat together, and not only a few go to their palacial homes in gated communities, surrounded by opulence.

      If you cannot see the humor in this writing, then perhaps you should ask yourself about where YOUR sense of humor is. As for God, I believe He has a GREAT sense of humor. If not, then please explain creatures like the platypus, or the otter, or HUMANS! That said, if you’re offended by this article in any way, then I recommend you get over yourself & step away from the legalism.

      As for the commentor who says “The trinitarian doctrine is a false doctrine” (amahleah) & anyone else who subscribes to this lie of the devil, read this

      May God have mercy on us all. And may we all laugh, love & live till He calls us Home!

  2. Lol.. What a nice gift to pastors everywhere. Ahh, sermon material. As we come to Easter, we Biblical Christians can use this to remember Jesus’ truest measure of agape’ love when He sacrificed His LIFE on the cross for all of us who call on His name so that WE might be free from sin. (& I must add – really goofy pastors) Great Article.

    • is this the same pastor greg holloway your talking about who lived in my house in france then ran off without paying his rent or all of the utility bills……. some christian !!! i think you need to get a new pastor

  3. Foolish and certainly not Biblical. Where do such stupid people come from so we can cut off the supply?

    • is this the same pastor greg holloway your talking about who lived in my house in france then ran off without paying his rent or all of the utility bills……. some christian !!! i think you need to get a new pastor

  4. These people are not christian…nor are the Pastor. It doesnt line up with the scriptures at all.MAJOR deception in these last days.”HANGING on to the the ”american dream ” is nothing more than idolatry which is a sure ticket to hell; which I am sure these people dont believe in either….they do twist the scriptures to say what they want it to.. When the ”america dream ”comes to an end will they wake up???.Hopefully they will repent and turn back to the truth of the Word of God. They deisre to believe these lies.

  5. Blasphemy for “itching ears!” Dire portents of things to come. May they see the light thru the “glow of their stuff.”

  6. JARED i dont want to sound harsh tis website is supposed to be teaching true christan values and how to live off the grid the way were suposed to there was no reason for this article to have been written we are suposed to flee this nonsence not become part of it we are suposed to be seprate from the world not part of it this is not our world the comment diana made is very true we dont need the out side with people like her

    • oh yeah, is this the same pastor greg holloway your talking about who lived in my house in france then ran off without paying his rent or all of the utility bills……. some christian !!! i think you need to get a new pastor who is honest

  7. “Keeping It Real”? Keeping It Sinful!

  8. I am an American military guy as most of you who know me, are no doubt aware, I am not a chaplain, nor a pastor, but I think I read somewhere in that bible that whatever you seek god for, whatever is in your heart, if he gives it to you, then your eternal reward has been granted and you are done. Be careful what you wish for, I suppose, cause you may get it.
    The Col

  9. Even as Way-Off-The-Grid Satire, not appreciated or enjoyed.

    • read this. is this the same pastor greg holloway your talking about who lived in my house in france then ran off without paying his rent or all of the utility bills……. some christian !!! i think you need to get a new pastor…. i think you should google how the pastor has been in a 6 million dollar law suit against him and he didnt pay that either
      sack your pastor

  10. Satire is sometimes used to shine a light on a subject that may be uncomfortable, like a materialistic society’s distortion of God’s word. Maybe not so funny, but worth thinking about. And for those who missed the fine print at the top, it is a joke.

  11. The question is, “What does God think of this change?”

  12. Thanks for sharing this information, we fight secularism and worldliness here in our little neck of the woods too.
    This helps equip the saints by informing us of the enemies tactics, thereby aiding us in our battle againts the doctrines of demons. Repent, get prayed up, and put on your armor, this is war.

    • read below

      is this the same pastor greg holloway your talking about who lived in my house in france then ran off without paying his rent or all of the utility bills……. some christian !!! i think you need to get a new pastor.
      your pastor has law suits against him for over 6 million dollars ! google it ! what a fraud !

  13. I wish that woman kissing the car was kissing me instead….I’d kiss her back and take good care of her. This living alone life is not God’s plan for living.
    If you listen to Alex Jones and would like to live in South Dakota….let me know.
    i’m 54,

  14. Doesn’t sound any stupider than any other sect of Christianity. I think you should all be burned at the stake.

  15. God unplugged me from the grid when I was 16. I was riding full out after a thunderstorm trying to cut off our bull in a neighbor’s pasture .. he had nothing but pure bred white face and ours was a muley misfit that threw great heavy calves.

    We came up to a gully as deep as the horse and we couldn’t stop but tried. We slid into the ditch and coming up the steep far side .. she came over on top of me.

    I was suddenly hanging suspended in mid air .. upside down with the horse above me and the saddle horn on my chest .. we were motionless and this voice said .. “do you want to die.” I said, “no.” He said, “what can you do about it?” I pushed off on the horses right shoulder .. we woke up out by the road, no tracks in and no tracks out .. and the horse was lying across my right leg. She should have been across my left.

    I knew God had saved me and that he had performed a miracle .. I no longer “fit” into a church. I knew there was a Lord God Adoni Elohim .. everyone else in my opinion was “guessing and hoping.”

    I go to church to worship Abba in the spirit .. everyone else is there in their intellect. Lot’s of luck. You haven’t even gotten to first base yet.

    Chaldee which Mary spoke and which John did not .. Woman what do I have to do with thee

    What in Chaldee .. look it up .. means come let us discuss this and come to an agreement between you and I, are you rock solid in sending me out on my life’s mission that will end in you recovering my body from the cross? Mary to the workers .. whatever he tells you to do, do it.

    Woman used here in Chaldee by Jesus could mean Chav-vah .. first woman and usually reserved for Eve .. but Christ was a new “ball game.” Chav-vah .. first woman to have the Son of God .. let us discuss this carefully .. one of the most dynamic moments in Mother Son relationships that ever occurred.

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