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Obama Administration Now Offering Free Physicals and Beer with Every Full-Body Airport Scan

WASHINGTON — After weeks of public outcry and lawsuit threats, the administration bowed to demands Monday and announced that airport full-body scans will now include an array of free outpatient diagnostic services and microbrew selections. TSA Administrator John Pistole said the concession will “retool airport scanners for quick radiology, CAT scans, MRIs, bone densitometry, ultrasounds, and more for weary travelers.”

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said travelers can choose “long or short consultations” with the attending physicians. Travelers can also opt out of consultations “and just take their free scans and beer into secure waiting areas.”

Saturday’s 300,000-businessman “Don’t-Touch-My-Junk” March on the National Mall focused public attention on the “inhumanity of airport scanning and pat-downs,” said organizer Jeff Maltby. At the march, Maltby declared: “This administration had better keep its creepy hands off travelers or face something really bad.”

The demonstration turned violent when marchers taunted riot-control police and actually attempted to pat down several officers. The officers repulsed the protestors with deep cavity searches. Several protesters fainted, and many Blackberries were crushed in the altercation. On Sunday, Maltby and other organizers won their meeting with the TSA and expressed satisfaction with the compromise. “Things changed fast when you mentioned beer,” Maltby said to Pistole.

Prior to the administration’s outpatient decision, some pilot unions and passenger groups had said they would urge their members to boycott the scanners, forcing TSA officers to pat down thousands of additional travelers. “That is a nonissue now,” said Patty Amerine, union president of the Association of Flight Attendants. “They just had to say ‘free mammogram’ and we understood the need for added security.”

Senators had assailed the TSA Wednesday over the agency’s new, more invasive airport pat downs that have led to widespread controversy. Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, R-Texas, told TSA Administrator John Pistole that the huge protest from travelers demanded that TSA soften its procedures. “Can’t we just give them a gift, or you know, something free in exchange for the privacy thing?” Hutchison asked at a hearing before the Senate Commerce Committee.

However, Pistole said that the new search techniques were necessary because tests of airport security had repeatedly identified the old pat downs as inadequate. “They’ve been missing all the underwear bombs.” More aggressive searches were required for those passengers who would not go through the scanners. “If you are asking me, am I going to change TSA policies? No,” Pistole told the committee. After a solid lunch, Pistole clarified to the committee, “Well, maybe.”

TSA trained doctor finds cancerous lump during airport scan.

Sen. Byron Dorgan, D-N.D., asked Pistole whether he had undergone the new pat down himself. Pistole said he and Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, along with other administration officials, had insisted on having the search performed on them before it was unveiled.

“It is very, very thorough,” Pistole said. “I spoke in a higher-pitched voice afterward, but the free scans of my lungs quickly removed my doubts.” Napolitano added, “The New Belgium Fat Tire beer really put a smile on my face.” Napolitano explained that jalapeno rice cakes were now available for travelers who opted out of the available microbrews.

88% of business travelers polled said they would not mind spending two or three hours in a security line for the free medical work. “It’s a win-win situation,” said David Peterson, who spends three weeks a month on business travel. “With their new system, they can catch terrorist threats here in the airport as well as any ‘terrorist’ threats to my colon.” Executive traveler Janice Jensen chose a trial ultrasound at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport and discovered she was pregnant with twins. “The entire line of travelers and security personnel cheered. I couldn’t have been happier,” she said.

Health and Human Services secretary Kathleen Sebelius noted that adding physicians to the airport security process will also “reduce some of the pressures engendered by the administration’s recent changes in health care provisions.” Sebelius explained, “Any physicians wandering the streets can now be quickly employed in airport outpatient diagnostics.”

“This is unfortunately the world in which we live,” Sen. Lieberman, CT-Independent said. “Now, at least, travelers no longer have to choose between terrorism and cancer.”

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  1. Has anybody mentioned the problems with the frequency of getting scans? What are the health risks of exposure, especially for frequent flyers? This seems like yet another expensive government carrot for the masses….give me a break!

    • Hey as long as they’re supplying free beer, make mine a Heiney. Mayby after a few I wont mind tthhe delay. Next they need some Hooters girl to serve them.

  2. How about the risk involved for the pregnant woman???? Radiation is not good for forming embryos.

    • Maybe the TSA has a secret with the NIH, HHS and CDC to try to develope a new breed of human throught the exposure of this radiation?

  3. This is absolutely insane! I travel quite frequently and occasionally internationally. I don’ t care how many physicians they have reading the scans, this is an outrage and a blatant violation of my rights! Because I have an implant, I get caught by every security check at the airports and have been willing to endure the process for my own safety and that of the passengers. However, my rights as a human, a modest Christian woman, and a senior citizen who has no criminal background are being abused. And to think they can placate me with a beer???? What an offense … as if they can buy off America’s public with a beer! Come on! I’m furious!!!!!!!

  4. Good article and parody on what’s going on now Jared. After the laugh though, one has to be sad over this loss of freedom. Pretty bad that a person has to be humiliated in order to get from point A to point B. Really bad part is that our enemies are laughing their ass off at the whole affair. Yup, the programs cost a lot of money, inflict insult on everyone that flys and cuts down on efficent air operations. All adds up to one big unwanted hassle.

  5. I hope Mr. Tatis wrote this with the intention sick humor. If I read anymore articles by off the grid news that try and make humor out of this complete corporate takeover of every living human being on this planet I will not hesitate to mark them as spam…I personally would like an explanation Mr. Tatis

  6. Great tongue in cheek article. Pistole and Napalitano are all about progressing forward into the bold new world order. So if bribery worked to get Obamacare passed in the Senate, why not try that approach here? The unwashed masses are certainly no more able to resist free alcohol and rice cakes than the Senators, right? And I assume these medical visits will all be outside the scope of Obamacare. No waiting 6 months for a look at that nasty compound fracture.

    Like Geordi LaForge said to William Riker, “No thanks, Commander. With all due respect, the price is a little too high for me, and I don’t like who I’d have to thank.” Star Trek: The Next Generation, Season 1, “Hide and Q.”

  7. Funny, it had me laughing hard. This almost sounds exactly like the propaganda they produce for the American public now from the mainstream press. The sheeple would eat it up and believe it, they have been made so gullible now by the lies from government and the mainstream press that you would have dumbed down citizens demanding their free beer from the TSA. Then we would have to watch them sadly be arrested and taken away screaming ” …..but you promised me free beer!!!!!!”

  8. This has to be a frigging joke …. I don’t believe that people would consent to being groped and molested themselves for a free beer or medical consult. Further, children don’t drink beer and groping a child is child molestation, no matter whether it’s done by the sleazy female teacher at school, or a TSA government employee. If you think that the cost of paying for this new NAZI benefit by providing free beer and a doctor’s consult on your x-ray is free, then I remind you that so was the new health care bill that the nuts pushed thru as law was also touted as free. Now we find a 3% tax charge for selling our home, a requirement to report any sale over $600 by a business or even an eBay seller, a requirement to pay thousands of dollars for free insurance, a fine if you refuse to comply, among other equally outrageous things in the free health care law.

    If people are so easily quieted into giving up the most basic of human rights, the right to have your private ares remain your private areas, by being promised a free beer … I have little faith that the freedom we have enjoyed up until the early 1970s will ever be there for my grandchildren to enjoy. As for me and my house, I will not bend over and kiss the a$$ of the Federal government on any unconstitutional law or dictate they make to coral, degrade and destroy my country. And I know I am NOT alone!!!!!

    Wake up you stupid people!!!

    “They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.”
    – Benjamin Franklin, February, 1775

  9. Somebody please tell me this is a big joke, right? I can’t believe any sane person would fall for this idiocy.

    • Satire, as defined in the 1828 Noah Webster’s dictionary: a discourse or poem in which wickedness or folly is exposed with severity. This is a brilliant piece of satire!

  10. What’s next cavity searches? Better just show up naked and defecate on the floor to prove you have no explosives in your anus. Hmmm I wonder if terrorists use gel explosives on their genitals if we’ll get official taste testers next. Who would have ever thought the government would legalize prostitution and call it national security? Used to be you had to pay $20 for a hand job.

  11. Is this a joke? I’m still waiting for the punch line…so far this isn’t the least bit funny!
    I myself, am a natural health care physician and would NEVER voluntarily submit myself for repeated ‘scans’ no matter the assurances of the Federal Government! I NEVER drink the tap water the State deems ‘safe’ either…I have my own standards, thank you very much. Theses scans ARE A HEALTH RISK!!!

    And UNLIKE the garden variety politician who are all too accustomed to accepting bribes, I cannot be bought off with a glass of beer or free mammogram! So what then is my alternative?…government sanctioned sexual assault? Has this whole world gone completely mad? Everything is so upside down and backwards today.

    Hey Janet, why didn’t you take the Israelis up on their offer to help us develop an effective (respectful) security screening program? Why don’t you scrap this ridiculous program now and beg Israel to train you in their superior method?…oh that’s right…I almost forgot about the secret deals you guys made with the manufacturers of these undignified scanning devices.

    Actions speak louder than words, MS. Napolitano. We now know, proof positive, how little regard you have for the American people.

    Thanks but no thanks to your thoughtful options of X-ray exposure OR rape.

    • Amen sister! George Soros has made his money off these machines when he had 111 shares of stock in the company that made them. But as of 3 days ago he mysteriously sold all of his shares. Hmmm, I think someone is trying to cover his tracks! The outrage should be aimed not at the workers doing their jobs, but at the higher-ups who agreed to this bologne. I’m having visions of a communist Germany right here in America. It’s not too far of a leap to see how we as citizens are being squeezed from the top of the Government & from the bottom by people too naive or ignorant to see what’s happening right in front of us. Let’s stay strong, stay together & demand security based on the Israel model.

      • It seems that former Homeland Security Chief, Michael Chertoff, is the big winner. He gained megabucks on the sale of these monster machines. I wonder why conspiracy theorists always say, “Follow the Money.” Thanks for the laugh .. terrific satire .. we cannot let them take away our sense of humor.

  12. I’m still wondering if people think these Way Off Grid articles are real? Some of the comments seem to be taking it all wayyy to seriously. I, for one, love to have dark humor insights on current happenings as well as my daily dose of survival know-how! Thanks again all!

  13. Where do you think the TSA is getting the money to pay for these bribes? The taxpayer!!!

  14. Mr. Tatis if this was meant as humor I for one would like you to say so…Please respond

  15. @Kamakee… This is the “Way Off the Grid” section… it’s all satire! This is priceless! I love it! Sharing with my friends!

  16. Some of you people have gotten so caught up and angry with all the government crap you’ve forgotten how to laugh. What’s the point of surviving if you can’t enjoy life. Laugh at this atricle and all it represents and move on. quit whinning and do something about it.

  17. For me, the most chilling part of all of this is that I seriously had to finish reading the article and read the response to one other reader identifying the article as a parody, before I realized it was not true. The real news has become so ridiculous that parodies of it sound as true as the actual decisions coming out of Washington. Now that is chilling.

  18. I can’t beleive there are peple out there reading this that think this is a factual article instead of a bit of satire.
    You people really need to get a life!
    Keep up the good work Jared, your article made my day.

    • OTG get off the parody line–the first time it may have been amusing but now it is a pain in may A_ _ !!
      Time is too precious to sift through each article to see if it’s legitimate or not. You will cause some readers to leave, some to believe the crap of the parody, and some will simply dismiss so legitimate information which could cost them and their family’s dearly. PLEASE STOP THE PARODY!!!

      • Airman53e, your comments seem to prove this satire’s point. This piece pokes fun at how lazy and easily bought-off Americans are, and then you go ahead and beg to be more of a sheep. Don’t be so spoon fed. You are the problem. For Pete’s sake, the pieces are labeled as satire and categorized as “Way Off the Grid.” Your sheepishness insults the rest of us. Historically, satire has always been an extremely potent tool.

  19. These days we don’t know who is lying to us. Now it seems the ones we have started to trust for good truthful information are lying to us and calling it satire or parody. A lie is a lie. It’s not funny. I’m Trying to decide wether to no longer give you my business. Is that funny too?

  20. This so-called airport security has nothing to do with security; it has to do with control. The underwear bomber was escorted through all security measures by a CIA operative. He was witnessed being escorted on the plane by fellow passengers. The Yemen package was sent by another CIA “asset”. (see These so called incidents are staged and used as an excuse to dehumanize Americans, get them used to it so that they can worse to us later. The authorities already think humans are animals and they have merely thown people a “bone” to shut us up (except that it is beer and free exams). Don’t you people know you are being bribed to shut you up and stop demonstrating? Don’t fall for it. The extreme search procedures are dehumanizing and unreasonable searches (and seizures, by the way).

  21. Welcome to the machine that will sort out the sick and the healthy. Welcome to the machine that will determine your health care coverage. And.. Welcome to the machine that will be conveniently placed in major import/export centers for the recruitment of people to FEMA centers.

    It seems reasonable to think, that people who fly know they run the risk of accidental fatality. Seems the government has already proven to us that they can create lies on flights during the 9/11 event.. Who’s to say they can’t also run news on a new flight crash, killing all.. Meanwhile, everyone aboard who supposedly died, still walk, and are and were previously “scanned” are now classified for where they’ll go.. Perhaps in a plastic coffin? Maybe in a FEMA camp, if the government has a need from us. The talk of population control, that major seed corporation and its genetically altered products.. What’s next?

    If the incentive is “beer”.. I will not fly.
    I’d rather not be classified….. not yet


  22. bread and circus just like rome. while population was over whelm with slaves who were not citizens, who worked the job nobody seem to want. while mass population of roman citizens were unempolyed. what did rome give them? bread and circus.. food and entertanment to keep the mass from rioting in the street.
    then that didnt work any more, rome then set fire to the streets because their was too many romans of poor class.
    oh ya who set the fire, naturally it was the that new outlandish cult call christianity. so then people were happy to see death as entertainment again. so see rome and see ourselves.

  23. Yes its a joke…geez, lighten up people! All the crap thats going around and you could legitimately be pissed…I hear very little…..a joke and you all go off half cocked!

    • Thank you for that article. I am sure surprised at the people who did not realize it was a satire.
      that comes from lack of education. If they had taken the required english courses…it would have been obvious. Good writing.

  24. They may give you a “picture” of your heiney, doubt you will get the beer……you will however get a free “goose”!!!

  25. Funny? Not! Satirical – very much so!! Perhaps with its use, people will begin to understand the insanity we have allowed into our lives.

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