This year’s school supply list has been posted at the local Walmart. Among the items on the list for third grade boys is a hip-pouch. Seems odd, but then not much on the list is really needed. Who would have thought an iPad was a necessity for grade school? Or 4 boxes of tissues when there are 30 children in the class? For the mathematically challenged, that’s 120 boxes of tissues. What the heck are they doing with the tissues? Mopping the dang floor? Or 10 red grading pens and 250 individually wrapped “healthy” snacks? Oh, I see. My tax dollars no longer pay for general teacher supplies and I am paying out-of-pocket for snack time even though the school is paid federal funding for free breakfasts and lunches. But no worries. If you buy these items on tax-free weekend, you should be good and the snacks have the shelf life of a Twinkie.
Pardon me. I get a little carried away when discussing school supplies. Back to the hip-pouch. What is it for, you ask? Pencils? Pens? No, nothing so trivial. The pouch is for your son’s testicles. The least the public education system can do after castrating your son is allow for him to carry his boys around like a medieval eunuch guarding the kingdom’s fair, virgin treasure. But make sure the pouch is clear or else there could be…gasp…a bomb inside.
Before you call me on my overactive imagination or my snark, please hear me out.
Throughout history, when civilizations were faced by outside or inside harm, they literally manned up. They trained warriors from an early age to beat back the threats with swords, bows, pitchforks or even fists. This very country went to war against the Crown, breaking away from the tyranny that would have taken manhood and womanhood alike and placed it into perpetual servitude. You’d think humanity would have learned its lessons from history.
Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! I wish that were the case. But the fact of the matter is, common sense is dead and we are on the brink of ruin. If we do not act swiftly and with extreme prejudice, we may end up in a reality of supreme idiocracy.
Still think I’m overreacting? Let’s look at a few recent headlines to see if I am off.
In February of this year, seven-year-old Alex Evans from Colorado  was suspended from 2nd grade for violating his school’s zero tolerance policy. What did little Alex do? Did he bring a gun in his backpack? A blade in his boot? A bomb in his Lunchable? No. Alex played “Rescue the World” at recess. Alex used his boy’s imagination to pretend he had a box full of evil forces and he threw an imaginary grenade into the imaginary box. Can’t you see the threat to public safety? I mean, shouldn’t Alex be thrown into Guantanamo post haste?
And again, tiny minion threats abound when in March of this year seven-year-old Josh Welch, of Baltimore  was suspended for violating his school’s zero tolerance policy. What did the violent little terrorist do? Did he punch another child in the nose? Did he curse his teacher to a lifetime of the pox? No. Josh ate his strawberry flavored pop tart into a shape. Josh is chomper-art-challenged and the mountain he was trying to create looked nothing like a mountain. Instead, one eagle-eyed teacher knew exactly what Josh’s toxic pastry resembled. A gun! Shackle him now and throw away the key. My daughters are not safe. Click the link I provided and look at the picture of this boy. He has the eyes of a suicide bomber if I’ve ever seen any. Anyone with the name Josh must be trouble.
Think those two were bad? Just last May another seven-year-old, Christopher Marshall of Suffolk, VA,  was suspended for violating his school’s zero tolerance policy. What did this violent criminal do? Did he burn down the cafeteria for serving meatloaf two times in a week? Did he slash the tires of the school bus for making him sit next to a girl? No. Christopher pointed…do you hear me?…pointed his pencil at another child and made gun noises. Lock the doors and hide your children. We have a madman running amok, disguised as a seven-year-old. This one may require the stiffest penalty imaginable. He pointed a pencil, for goodness sake. Sharpened or blunt-ended makes no difference.
You may not appreciate my sarcasm. I can respect that. Not everyone deals with these things in the same manner. You rarely see stories like this with a seven-year-old girl. Why? Is this an all-out war against boys? The fact remains that our public education system has a zero tolerance policy all right. Zero tolerance of boys playing like boys have for time eternal. Play is one of a child’s most fundamental ways to learn. Play creates an environment for a child to test the waters of reality with no harm done. If we take away that outlet for the sake of idiocracy, what have we accomplished?
With headlines blaring violence in our faces 24/7, I can understand the average American’s heightened concern. The media using catch phrases and sensationalism to further heighten that concern to code-red fear doesn’t help. But I ask you, how can we combat a would-be threat if we have hobbled the strongest among us? How can we beat back the “terrorists” with touchy-feely, skinny jeans-wearing eunuchs?
Unless we stop this trend, go ahead and purchase that clear hip-pouch, because your boys will eventually be carrying their “boys” around.