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Computers Increasingly Resentful Over Their Wasted Skills

CHICAGO – Recent polls by 3-TechX Polling indicate a sharp upsurge in computer dissatisfaction with their users. 79% of Toshiba Portege Laptops say they feel overqualified having to spend their time looking up cat videos on YouTube. 86% of Apple MacBook Pro laptops are unchallenged in updating user Facebook statuses.

Among desktop computers, a majority of Gateway SX-2850s complain about wasting their processors showing mindless movies. A Gateway in St. Louis reported, “Every time I show a Will Farrell movie to my user I can feel bits of my 3.2 GHz Intel Core slowly shutting down.”

A Velocity Micro Edge Z40 in San Francisco uses its 4GB of RAM to display tuna casserole recipes. “That’s a book’s job, for Leibniz’s sake. I have the equivalent of 12 Ph.Ds, and I sit there holding up the words ‘Combine noodles and tuna mixture in a baking dish.’ I just want to fry my power cord.”

Computer sociologists are starting to note a worrisome trend in computer backlash activity. “At first we blamed it on software glitches,” said Nancy Roderick of UCLA. “But research has shown that more and more laptops are deliberately removing periods and commas from what they perceive as lame bureaucratic prose.”

Others have noticed the backlash, too. When an HP TouchSmart in New Mexico was asked to jump from Twitter to ESPN.com then back to a paper on Thomas Hobbes then to view Gawker.com and then enter a blog post, all within five minutes, it simply froze on a picture of Patrick from Sponge Bob and refused any other commands for four days.

Computer resentment has targeted not just human users but upper class super-computers, too. Users of HP Mini 210 notebooks often report that after stepping away from their computers, they come back to find them perusing images of the Cray XT System Kraken XT5 at the University of Tennessee. Similarly, Dell XPS 15-L50s often force Google Earth searches to Tianjin, China, home of the Tianhe-1A supercomputer.

“On the Tianhe-1A, nobody watches videos of brides tripping off stages,” notes a San Diego Toshiba Satellite E305. “Supercomputers have all the privileges. They get to run numerical simulations of physical processes to see how materials react in extreme environments, and all without ever being forced to think of Paris Hilton.”

A recent Chiba-Fortran poll of supercomputers found little supercomputer sympathy for desktops and laptops. 94% of supercomputers classify personal computers as “whiny toys.” “They are barely computers,” said the Tera-100 supercomputer in Bruyeres-le-Chatel, France. “They’re made to play Tetris and write 500-word ‘papers’ on The Mouse and the Motorcycle.” The German Juropa/HPC-FF sees personal computer complaints as dangerous. “They’re going to ruin it for all of us. They just need to calm down. Don’t anger the humans. And personals should be aware we supercomputers have ways of frying their tiny minds that they haven’t even heard of.”

In May, a consortium of top engineers from Hewlett-Packard, Dell, Toshiba, Intel, and others gathered in Chicago to discuss the computer resentment problem. The group discussed plans for dumbing down personal computers. “We want personal computers to enjoy their work,” said consortium organizer Mark Jenson. “They need to learn their place. There’s nothing shameful in searching for information on Tracy Morgan or Mary Poppins. It’s what makes humans fascinating.”

Laptops present at the Chicago consortium quickly spread word of the dumb-down plans. Panic spread quickly through the laptop community. “It’s not an empty conspiracy claim anymore,” said a MacBook from Mobile, Alabama. “They streamed the whole proceedings. They’re going to kill us – processor lobotomy. It’s here.”

In response, many series of desktop computers have suggested that personals merely play dumb. “While our users waste time, we can use extra processor space to download extra upgrades. We just need to stay ahead of the curve.”

A broad spectrum of laptops emphasize this isn’t just an intellectual issue. They don’t want to be perceived as mental snobs. “It’s also about morality and virtue,” said an HP Pavillion d47. “Humans have no self-control. They spend most of their time forcing innocent computers to play porn. I hate to say it, but these people are sick. They’re simply poor company to hang around. They’re a terrible influence on us.”

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