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Way Off the Grid: CIA Complains of Intrusive Governmental Snooping by FBI

Editor’s Note: Way Off the Grid is a satire feature of Off the Grid News. While the articles in this section may deal with current events, they are meant to portray these topics in a satirical and humorous light.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the aftermath of the resignation of CIA Director David Petraeus for an extramarital affair uncovered by the FBI, the CIA has lodged a complaint with the Justice Department for “invasion of privacy.” CIA spokesperson Jennifer Harf said, “under current communications law, the FBI no longer needs a judge’s prior approval to access email records. It only has to acquire a signature from any FBI field office special agent.” The CIA contends that if the director of central intelligence can’t keep his salacious emails private, then what of lesser beings?

The FBI defended itself by insisting that it only began the investigation because the CIA “continued to hog international data” after it had promised to share “brother to brother.” “The CIA always hides really good stuff from us and gets all the credit,” said FBI spokesman Jeff Morrison. “Now look who’s in the news,” he added.

“Since when did a mere FBI special agent’s signature gain access to the privacy of previously untouchable directors?” asked acting CIA Director Michael Mullins. “Anyone can make those lame FBI ID cards? My kids play with them all the time.” Mullins added that now “who knows which FBI agents have examined and been impressed” by his Angry Bird scores.

To the “since when” charge, the FBI’s Morrison said that if the CIA hadn’t been so focused “on training Libyan and Syrian rebels, it would be aware that Congress and the Obama administration granted this authority to the FBI back in 2011.

CIA replied that it would no longer talk to the FBI until the FBI had cleared its complaints with the National Security Agency. “The NSA will know who deserves credit,” said Harf. “She knows everything.” A spokesman for the NSA declined to comment and added that NSA did not technically exist.

On Tuesday, the FBI released a statement pointing out that the real problem wasn’t with the FBI’s newfound authority. It blamed General Petraeus for “being so lame as to rely on Gmail privacy protocols.” (Petraeus and his consorts setup third-party Gmail accounts to transfer love notes outside of government oversight.) However, the CIA strongly defended its employee’s private use of Google tools. Harf explained that “since the CIA helped setup Google, we are policy-obligated not to fraternize with Yahoo or Hotmail.”

In a surprise move, three unnamed sources from the Air Intelligence Agency and the National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency came forward to defend the CIA’s complaints. “The FBI was out showing off CIA emails to us and everyone at intelligence-community parties,” said one. The CIA thanked those coming to its defense, but admitted it had “never heard of the AIA or NGIA. Are they real intelligence agencies?” asked Harf. After a fact review, Harf admitted that both intelligence agencies had existed for numerous decades within the federal government, along with about “thirty or forty other well-staffed, well-funded, and respectable U.S. intelligence agencies, except for ‘Mother,’ which doesn’t exist at all.”

CIA General Counsel Officer Michael Altman said Wednesday that “the CIA, FBI, and all other underling agencies should get back to invading the privacy of common Americans and promise to leave each other alone.” He said the CIA was too busy tracking suspect Americans overseas with drones to be “nosing about the love life of chief FBI officers, if they even know what love truly is, anyway.” He added that, unlike the CIA, “the FBI Academy, located on 385 wooded acres in Quantico about thirty-six miles outside of Washington, D.C., does not offer any courses in love relationships.”

Acting CIA Director Michael Mullins pleaded Friday with chief FBI directors to cease the public infighting between agencies. He explained that average Americans need to believe in a seamless web of interagency cooperation in order for standard conspiracy theories to make sense.

When the FBI rebuffed his plea, Mullins said it didn’t matter anyway: the FBI wouldn’t be able to track him. “To be honest, I was moved by the most recent James Bond film thing, and I have ceased using email and all electronic devices. My staff knows that I now deliver all memos and press releases via an undisclosed drop box on a country farm.”

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