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Donald Trump Aims to Prove Seriousness of Presidential Bid by Invading Uzbekistan

WASHINGTON — Business celebrity and purported presidential candidate, Donald Trump formed an exploratory committee to develop a military strategy for having the Trump Empire invade the central Asian republic of Uzbekistan. “I think it’s important to impress upon people the seriousness of my candidacy for leader of the free world,” said Trump before an Albany audience.

In recent weeks, the TV celebrity has given numerous hints that he is mulling a run at the White House, including saying so explicitly. Yet no significant figures or media have been willing to take his claims seriously. “He’s using this idea of running, milking it, for all it’s worth, but he’s not running, and everyone knows it,” said former New York City mayor Ed Koch. Trump has repeatedly insisted that he is serious. “Really, really, really,” he said, slapping a recent podium in Newark.

Before the Uzbekistan invasion plans, Trump aimed to prove his sincerity simply by trying not to smile while talking and shaping his lips in a sterner fashion during interviews. On Monday, Trump sent an aide to confer with the state Republican chairman in the presidential proving ground of Iowa. “It’s all showbiz,” said Iowa chairman Matt Kurtenbach. “As his website says, ‘Welcome to the World of Trump, the global superbrand.’” The usually unflappable Trump showed obvious anger with the Iowan’s refusal to take him seriously. In retaliation, Trump challenged Kurtenbach to a spending spree. Kurtenbach declined, and Trump fired him.

Last week, Trump made his first move toward central Asia by signing a deal to develop the two tallest towers in the former Soviet state of Georgia, at the nexus of Europe and central Asia. In a ceremony with caviar and wine at Trump Tower in Manhattan on Thursday, Mikheil Saakashvili gave his blessing to the deal. Saakashvili insisted that he remains president of Georgia. “Really, really,” he explained. “It is good to have these two 300 million dollar towers in Tbilisi to help attract western investments.” When asked whether any of the 4.3 million Uzbekis, whose income averages $2,455 per year, would use the Tbilisi Trump towers, Saakashvili brightened and announced that Mr. Trump had agreed to let many shepherds ride the elevators for free for the first two weeks.

After the ceremony with Saakashvili, Trump announced that he would be using Tbilisi as a staging base for his invasion of Uzbekistan. Trump explained that he “has the image of someone who’s going to make the big move, going to make the big statement. A successful takeover of Uzbekistan will, especially before becoming president, convince the American public that I’m the most serious candidate. Can a Ron Paul do that? Paul doesn’t even want to take another country. What kind of a president is that?” Trump explained that his takeover of Uzbekistan would be creative, fresh, and militarily unorthodox. “That’s who I am.”

Trump said Tuesday that he called Islam Karimov, president of Uzbekistan, about two weeks earlier to arrange a face-to-face meeting to discuss the potential sale of Uzbekistan, first. Trump made it clear that he would be interested only in buying a majority stake in the country.

Uzbekistan’s minster of foreign affairs, Ganiev Majidovich, said the parliament had offered Trump a minority share in the country, but Trump, referring to himself in the third person, said, “If you look at Trump’s record, he is only interested in things he can control. That’s the kind of presidency Trump’s bringing to this election.” To make the deal more palatable, president Islam Karimov would be offered the chance to retain a role in the country, with Ganiev Majidovich, staying on in some capacity.

Trump made it clear that if his offer fails, then he’s going to use a military option. According to two people with knowledge of the situation, former U.S. Army general Carter Wallace, has encouraged Trump to pursue a military option against Uzbekistan. “Uzbekistan is mostly flat-to-rolling sandy desert with dunes, with intensely irrigated river valleys along the Amu Darya. It wouldn’t be hard to get, at all.”

Wallace stressed the need for Trump to lead with a counterinsurgency strategy at first. He explained, “The Trump Empire wouldn’t need to control the entire country but rather secure a few key areas and population centers, especially good casino locations. Trump explained the “goal would be for the people of Uzbekistan to first seen an opportunity for a better brand and then start to experience what the Trump label could do for them.”

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