WASHINGTON — In response to Rep. Chris Lee’s (R-NY) resignation for another Republican sex scandal, new RNC Chairman Reince Priebus urged Republican eunuchs to “strongly consider, please” running for office.
Priebus complained that he had a stack of files on his desk recounting Republican sex scandals over just the past three years and said, “It breaks my heart.” Priebus recounted recent cases involving Barclay, Elliot, Thompson, Duvall, Sanford, Berlin, Ashburn, Ensign, Stanley, Walker, McKee, Fosella, Sessions, and Lee.
RNC Co-Chairman, Sharon Parker, lamented the Republican lead in sexual scandals. “In sex scandals, I have to admit, Republicans still outnumber Democrats eight-to-one. Our first goal as RNC staff is to reduce that in half, to four-to-one, over the next five years.”
Priebus said the RNC took full responsibility for the rapid increase in Republican sex scandals over the past decade and that the problem stemmed from a notorious typo in a party memo. “Back in the early 2000s, the RNC distributed a memo to potential candidates which accidentally described adultery as a ‘right’ instead of a ‘blight.’” Priebus explained that not every party member had read the corrected memo.
Former California state assembly member Stanley Duvall explained that he would “never have slept with his interns” if he had received the corrected memo. Senator Larry Craig confirmed this reading of the RNC memo, adding he thought soliciting sex in a bathroom “was simply good Republican policy. Now I appreciate how important good proofreading is.”
Reince Priebus explained that other Republicans had not been misled by the typo but instead, had understood the RNC “pro-family” stance as encouragement to have several families. South Carolina governor, Mark Sanford, explained his adulterous affair in Argentina in terms of his understanding that “the RNC was ‘pro-families.’ And so I’d hoped to have a family on each continent.”
Priebus acknowledged that “ten percent of a group never gets the memo or grasps the core message. Every organization has this problem.” He said he hoped his call for eunuchs to run for Republican offices would help reduce that percentage. Eunuchs were popularly used by royalty in ancient Egypt and Mesopotamia because they provided strength, but no sexual threat, to the queen and princesses.
When asked if he thought current Republicans should consider becoming eunuchs out of loyalty to the RNC, Priebus said he didn’t want to impose any “post hoc” rules. “But such moves would certainly show that Republicans take their principles seriously,” he said.
Jenny Smathers, president of Congressional Interns Against Adultery, said Priebus’s bold move would greatly reduce congressional office anxiety. “Interns would be forced to direct their status-climbing efforts at other important skills, like finding the best quality coffee within a four-block radius of their office.”
A current Republican senator, speaking off the record, criticized the new RNC call for eunuchs. “Eunuchs can’t have any family, and so we’d run the risk of being perceived as anti-family. That would kill us in the polls. I’d rather see us err on the other side, even if it involves just a little bit of adultery every other week or so.”
A Republican representative, also speaking off the record, observed “We’ve learned to spot the guilty pretty quickly, now. Those who speak most loudly in favor of family values and against gay rights tend to be the biggest source of sex scandals. I often find myself choking on irony.”
When asked whether Republican and Mormon presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney, would confuse the RNC commitment to one spouse, Priebus answered, “Mitt and I have talked long and hard about possible misperceptions concerning his theological respect for polygamy. He has assured us that he has only one wife. He showed me a photo of her, alone, and he insists that his private religious beliefs will not affect his public stands, except his deep opposition to Coca Cola.”
Priebus reiterated his top priority is to erase the committee’s $23 million in debt and that he was combining that goal with his call for eunuchs. Last week, he cut 39 staff positions, paying special attention to people who had high salaries and have used committee computers to solicit sex.
“Today, over twenty staffers were informed that their employment with the RNC would therefore be discontinued as of March 1st. Only eight of those positions will be re-filled, and I am determined to hire proven eunuchs, largely from Morocco.”
A source close to Priebus says he held a four-hour meeting with nearly 30 high level GOP fundraisers at the RNC Tuesday, using most of that time to re-explain the corrected memo on a jumbo-screen monitor. A group of seven former RNC Chairmen committed to help reduce the deficit and lay off the adultery.