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Romney Gets X-Ray to Prove He’s Not a Robot

PHILADELPHIA – Reality star Mitt Romney was so sick of people questioning whether he was a robot, he had an x-ray taken to prove he is all natural. While campaigning in Philadelphia, Republican presidential candidate Romney visited the Children’s Hospital there to put to rest rumors that he is an artificial intelligence device.

“My campaign opponents dared me to get an X-ray, and I will be the sort of president who never turns down a dare,” said Romney on Tuesday. “I want to get past all this robot slander and get on with the real campaign against Obama.”

Rumors began to grow about Romney being some sort of cyborg machine from his very first campaign speeches in which he repeated the same canned and trivial phrases over and over. During one speech before a packed house in Clinton, Iowa, Romney repeated the phrase “I want America to be more like America, again,” twelve times in a row without noticing it. The campaign explained it away as exhaustion and insisted it was not a mother-board malfunction.

In South Carolina, Romney campaign interns reported that, once in Wisconsin, their boss’s trademark Ken-of-Barbie smile remained stuck on his face for over six hours. Behind the scenes, Romney’s medical assistants finally succeeded in using Norwegian fish oil to dislodge the smile before he had to give a solemn war memorial speech.

Several staff members soon began to doubt whether Romney showed any evidence of having a genuine human personality, with any natural sense of irony or paradox, let alone an actual human soul. Former Romney campaign Deputy Political Director, Todd Dorsin, resigned from the election effort after claiming to find Romney sitting in a backroom with a recharging cord attached to his thigh. The campaign later described Dorsin’s account as a politically motivated smear, but Dorsin contended, “I know what a recharger looks like. I saw what I saw.” When asked about the incident at subsequent press conferences, Romney’s eyes glazed over and he repeated three times in monotone, “I will restore America.”

Last week, the robot rumors gained new strength after Republicans started realizing that Democrats were rejoicing over a national election that pitted Romney against Obama. Polls consistently show a strong Obama victory over Romney. Republican advisor Nathan Fernandez complained, “It’s a tragedy but Americans still hold deep prejudices against robots.”

Democratic National Committee vice chair, Mike Germond, admitted that “many regional Democratic parties have breathed a sigh of relief and held celebrations, including, unfortunately, robot-themed celebrations.” Some Republicans have seen a more sinister lining to the Democratic celebrations. Republican strategist Ralph Kinsey has even gone so far as to suggest that Romney is a Democratic plant. “How else could someone like that have come so far?” Kinsey said that “Democratic experimentation with cyborgs has been common knowledge since the vice presidency of Al Gore, known in the artificial intelligence community as Zanthrope 35-K.” At first, Romney refused to answer the Kinsey charges, dismissing him in February with the question, “How could I be a robot if I want America to be more like America, again? Answer that.”

Republican candidate Rick Santorum said he did not join with those accusing Romney of being a cyborg. Friday, Santorum, still standing by his insistence that Romney is human, suggested that Romney might silence the rumor “by agreeing to a slogan sound-off with an IBM humanoid machine, like Kasparov playing chess against IBM’s Deep Blue computer.” Kasparov finally dispelled cyborg rumors about himself by losing to Deep Blue and throwing a fierce temper tantrum. “Maybe Romney should throw a tantrum about something instead of smiling and glazing over all the time,” said Santorum. Newt Gingrich was more direct. He said distributed x-rays of himself to the press and challenged Romney to do the same.

Romney said the whole thing was ridiculous but made an appointment with Dr. Anita Gentry of the Philadelphia Children’s Hospital. Gentry agreed to produce the x-rays if an independent panel was allowed to release them to the press. Romney agreed to all the conditions. After a three-hour x-ray session, the images were available immediately. Romney joked that such “quick results would not be possible under Obamacare. I will restore America.” In a press conference, Gentry reviewed the images for the press. She said the panel of independent doctors concurred with her conclusion that “Mr. Willard Mitt Romney cannot be defined or characterized as a cyborg device.” Though not technically a cyborg, Gentry and the panel conceded that Romney does have a bionic middle toe but that has “little-to-no-effect on his reasoning or sloganeering.” Romney said he had forgotten about his bionic toe and admitted he had it implanted during the Reagan administration.

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