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Ellesmere Island Ice Shelves – After hopes foundered for an economic bounce back from weak holiday sales, senior international gift-giver, Santa Claus, has called on the Upper Arctic National Assembly meeting in Tuktoyaktuk, Canada to grant him broad powers to rule by decree for the next thirteen months.
The Deputy Secretary of Plastic Toys, Celebrimdor of Dorthonion, long considered Santa’s right-hand elf, made the request on behalf of Claus, saying “Mr. Claus would use the authorization to ensure a fast-track turnaround of the holiday economy through a judicious use of buying decrees and no-return policies.”
The emergency authorization would go beyond purchasing measures, allowing decrees affecting deer labor, elf height, cookie ingredients, rural and urban chimney size, ice cube markets, Chinese toy factories, penalties for time away from malls, and the suppression of “Happy Holidays” greetings.
Critics accuse Claus of trying to sidestep the natural purchasing season and neutralize parents tired of Christmas. Former Claus employee, Nindë Telrúnya testified that she heard Claus regularly use tough language like “busting some heads” in reference to motivating lackluster consumers.
In Washington, State Department spokesman P.J. Crowley noted Claus has “asked the Upper Arctic National Assembly for decree powers twenty-four times in the last six hundred years.”
“He seems to be finding new and creative ways to justify autocratic powers. What he is doing here, we believe, is subverting the spirit of the so-called Christmas holiday,” Crowley told reporters.
Homeland Security Deputy Secretary Jane Holl Lute warned, “Granting broad decree powers to someone like Claus, with direct access to every living room with a Christmas tree, is simply unacceptable.” Lute declined to confirm or deny rumors that Claus and several of his colleagues are already on the international no-fly list.
Claus lashed out at the U.S. criticism. “You want to say that to my beard? The American empire is afraid, not just of my omnibus present drop, but of the very idea of Christmas itself. I have had to lay off thousands of elves thanks to Wall Street insiders who have been very bad this year. Do you know how heartbreaking it is to see elves floating aimlessly about the Arctic Sea on tiny ‘bergs?”
Several groups of parka-clad students marched to the Upper Arctic National Assembly on Wednesday, chanting “No More Solar” to protest the Claus compound’s continuing importation of a wide array of solar generators.
In a speech to the National Assembly, opposition lawmaker Nootaikok Tootega denounced Claus’s “hoarding and systematic overuse of solar devices. Solar power is all Santa really cares about any more. And granting him dictatorial powers will enable him to generate even more power from strange solar devices.”
Celebrimdor of Dorthonion mocked Tootega’s speech as “more Inuit conspiracy theories.” The student demonstration broke up after a group of Claus supporters hurled icicles and caribou meat at the marchers.
In a press conference Friday, Claus tossed chairs and sleigh bells around the tent, while excoriating former employees and political opponents. “Let’s see you wear red all the time. Let’s see you! Red, red, red.” Claus refused to answer questions about hoarding solar equipment in his compound, except to mumble, “All my friends have moved to Belize.”
Mrs. Claus immediately took over the podium as a group of elves dragged Claus away. “He gets this way sometimes,” she said. “I just have to make him a big, warm mug of milk, and he’ll be just fine. And I have to keep him away from the television. He is so susceptible to peer pressure.” Mrs. Claus posed for the cameras and added, “Now, just don’t forget about approving those dictatorial powers. The world economy needs my husband’s Holiday Stimulus Plan.”
In a late development, Vaughn Burrows, Deputy Directory of the CIA’s Office of Trans-national Issues, delivered a statement for the administration. “After weeks of work by senior analysts, on the ground and in the air, the CIA can find no credible evidence for the existence of an Upper Arctic National Assembly. This appears to have been a fabrication by Mr. Claus and his colleagues.” Mr. Claus could not be reached for comment.
by Adam Utley
