Editor’s Note: Way Off the Grid is a satire feature of Off the Grid News. While the articles in this section may deal with current events, they are meant to portray these topics in a satirical and humorous light.
LONDON – The Olympic Games will once again attract athletes and audiences from the far reaches of the globe, but that also means the games will be surrounded by rumor and speculation. World athletes aim not only to best one another through pure physical skill but also by winning the mind game. To help calm this worldwide swirl of rumor, the following facts should help put to rest the most prevailing current myths.
Myth #1: Saudi Arabia’s Women Athletes Must Wear Body Bags
Not true. Sure, Saudi Arabia forbids women from driving or traveling without a male guardian, but so do parts of Utah. The two women athletes who will be the first ever to represent Saudi Arabia will have to run track with a head scarf and oil-soaked pants, but it is only while living among the orgiastic Olympic dormitories that they will be required to wear the specially designed body bags.
Myth #2: Military Tactics is Not an Olympic Event
Upon seeing the massive British military presence for the games, several countries started sending their own special forces to London to compete in what appeared to be a new series of security tactics events. The British government politely cleared up the misunderstanding by threatening to repel any such competitors with lethal force.
Myth #3: The Star-Studded U.S. Men’s Basketball Team Must Genuflect to the 1992 Dream Team
Not true. Though this year’s team must wear jerseys with a slanted, grey stripe across their backs, it is not a shadow of the numerals “1992,” as sometimes reported. Speculation continues to run high about whether this year’s team could beat the 1992 team that included Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, and Magic Johnson, but current USA team members, including the likes of LeBron James, are quick to point out that, unlike in 1992, opposing countries no longer fill their teams with full-time farmers.
Myth #4: Team China Uniforms Were Made in New Jersey
A furor arose when news leaked that the Team USA uniforms had all been manufactured in China. To help quell the controversy, Team China did offer to have its own uniforms made in the United States, but upon inquiry no manufacturer in the U.S. could remember how to run a sewing machine.
Myth #5: The Fuel Used in the Olympic Torch Relay is a Mixture of Guinness and Scotch
In fact, the Olympic relay torch is fueled by a blend of propane and isobutene, which enables it to remain lit even in -40 degrees centigrade. The Guinness-Scotch myth began when a Trevor Carmichael of Aberdeen insisted loudly that the Olympic torch resembled the popular long, narrow, nonik glass used in many pubs. An inebriated Carmichael attempted to drink the Olympic flame, but he is now recovering well in Edinburgh.
Myth #6: Walsh-May Beach Volleyball Duo Will Compete from Wheelchairs
This ugly rumor seeks to break the spirit of the lively and dominant duo who will be competing for their third and final consecutive gold medal in beach volleyball. Now in their early thirties, Walsh and May will not be using wheelchairs since these are banned under Olympic rules and hard to maneuver in sand.
Myth #7: All Track Events Will Be Held in Dense Fog as a Help for British Athletes
British track athletes train all year in unbelievable fog, and they have developed advanced eyesight and zig-zag skills to help them excel, but Olympic officials announced that military helicopters will continually hover just above track and field events to keep the competition fair for all.
Myth #8: Swimming’s Greatest Opponents Will Carry Rivalry Into Track and Rifle Events
Olympic swimming’s closest competitors, Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte, will compete against each other in seven swimming events. The rivalry is so intense that they appealed to Olympic officials to allow them to continue their feats in the track 100m, 5000m, javelin, and multiple rifle events. In a formal and public statement, the Olympic committee declined their appeal and told them to “knock it off.”
Myth #9: In Opening Ceremony, Beckham Will Scissor Kick Olympic Flame Into Cauldron
Though he will have only a small part in the opening ceremony, such as opening a locked door, soccer-giant David Beckham insists an Olympian should light the cauldron and that it is actually “quite difficult to form fire into a dense enough ball for an accurate kick.” He recommends a flaming javelin or, in true British fashion, “a wide formation of longbowmen sending a waterfall of flaming arrows over a cowering crowd.”
©2012 Off the Grid News