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U.S. Still Skeptical of No-Fly Zone Over Charlie Sheen

WASHINGTON — President Obama’s top national security officials gathered at the White House Wednesday to discuss what to do next about embattled actor Charlie Sheen. Senior administration officials remain doubtful that a no-fly zone would be effective, given that most of Sheen’s recent antics are ground based.

Secretary Robert Gates said NATO would likely commit today to more efforts regarding surveillance of Sheen’s Malibu home. As announced earlier in the week, today is the first day of a 24-hour surveillance. “Everything Mr. Sheen says and does will be immediately broadcast to everyone connected to the interweb. Being in constant spotlight will keep him accountable. This is the only way to minimize his attacks.”

U.S. Navy Adm. Mike Mullen added that NATO will continue to enforce the female embargo around Sheen’s beach house. NATO may commit to even more ships along the California coast to stop any more shipments of women. “To date, they have seized 58 bikini-clad females attempting to infiltrate the Sheen compound from the west. NATO now has the ocean locked down, and we are stationing more Marines on the beach itself to create a north-south barrier.”

In response to a question about the safety of Sheen’s neighbors, Robert Gates described the U.S.’s commitment to humanitarian assistance for Malibu. “We have been using UH-60 Black Hawks to airlift Sheen’s neighbors out of the immediate vicinity. So far Mr. Sheen has bounced several empty bottles off the sides of the helos, but there’s been no serious damage.”

U.S. diplomats at the United Nations will continue to work with their British and French counterparts on a UN Security Council resolution defining a no-fly zone. In recent days, Los Angeles county has seemed to warm to the idea, though questions remain about how it would work with LA International Airport. Airport officials expressed their support for a broad no-fly zone. LAX operations manager, Raymond Jack explained, “Air traffic has dropped considerably as more and more people have remained close to their computers to track every one of Sheen’s Tweets and webcasts. That’s understandable. That’s most of my day, too.”

The Obama administration has renewed its discussion with Sheen opposition leaders, many of whom are pursuing support and diplomatic recognition in Europe. Following a meeting between Warner Bros. and CBS officials with French President Nicolas Sarkozy, the French government announced that it considers the CBS opposition group to be “legitimate representatives” of Hollywood.

The Obama administration grants that some opposition figures are considered credible – “they’ve reached out to the international community, and are supporting Malibu community needs with several de facto on-site catering vehicles,” said an administration official. “Still, it’s a complex picture – they’re made up of producers, TV directors, forgotten actors, Tiger Blood dealers – we’re still trying to understand who’s doing what. It would be premature to provide them with military support until we figure out who they are,” the official said.

President Obama addressed those still protecting Sheen. “I want to send a very clear message to those who are around Mr. Sheen. It is their choice how they move forward, and they will be held accountable for any ruination to their careers.” Officials acknowledged that Sheen seems dug in. “That’s why we continue to make the case that the best thing to do is peel off those around him,” the administration said.

Diplomatic discussions heated up as rumors spread about replacing Sheen with either Rob Lowe or John Stamos. Many believe either actor would do well as Sheen substitutes, even though Lowe continues under a multi-year contract with the sitcom “Parks and Recreation.” Off the record, a Defense Department spokesman acknowledged that Rob Lowe lacks the flaring temper of Sheen, “but he has a decent comic sense.” Pressure for this solution increased as Sheen himself admitted that Lowe “is a beautiful man” and would make a “fabulous replacement for him.”

Secretary Gates denied rumors of Special Operation plans to infiltrate Sheen’s home and replace him with actors Lowe or Stamos. “I’m not at liberty to discuss operations or strategy, but both those men have ‘Adonis DNA,’ and both have been connected to multiple women simultaneously. Such a switch would be clean and hardly noticeable. We’d have to make sure they could adjust quickly to Sheen’s house and the entire Malibu beach culture. It’s very complicated.”

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